Feeling contempt and resentment in marriage to some degree is common but not healthy. As your relationship progresses, you might feel that your husband hates you or resents you or is no longer the man you fell in love with. A recent study stated that when people feel angry toward others, they tend to exhibit antagonistic behaviors that are harmful for relationships. Angry partners display hostility by nagging and complaining, blaming their partners, being hostile and demanding, and invalidating or rejecting their partners. Some differences are bound to creep into a marriage. But if there are signs of too much resentment from your husband, we’ll help you spot them.
What Makes A Husband Resent His Wife?
Another study claimed that “the perception of a partner not expressing his or her anger would lead to increased dissatisfaction in the relationship.” It stated that “participants reported more dissatisfaction when anger was not expressed than when it was.” So it’s better if instead of being resentful, he actually discusses what is making him angry in a healthy way. His resentment could be a culmination of several factors or situations. The signs your husband resents you did not just crop up overnight. Here are a few reasons that might be responsible for your husband’s negative attitude toward you:
1. He feels neglected and unappreciated
Your husband might resent you because he feels neglected, ignored, or unappreciated in the marriage. It could be in any form – lack of intimacy or sex, lack of love and affection, constant criticism, no appreciation of his efforts or gestures, etc. You might have said or done something that made him feel humiliated, unimportant, or disrespected. Or you are burdened by your household or parental responsibilities and, in the process, your husband feels neglected instead of communicating his need for love.
2. He might be cheating on you or knows that you are
Another reason your husband hates you could be that he is cheating on you or knows that you are cheating on him. Infidelity can be a major cause for contempt and resentment in marriage. If you’ve cheated on him, being apologetic about it might not be enough. He might not be able to forget the betrayal, which might make him bitter and resentful. Another possibility is that he is having an extramarital affair and likes to spend time with them instead of you. The fact that he feels ‘stuck’ with you might make him hate you.
3. You share a good friendship with men
This is one of the most common reasons that husbands develop a resentful attitude toward their spouses. They might feel a little intimidated, jealous, or suspicious of your guy friends. They might even look at your friendship with men as a threat to their marriage. Such thoughts are also the result of insecurity or a patriarchal mindset, according to which a woman or spouse is expected to not talk to or share a rapport with men other than her partner. So, if you notice that your husband’s attitude changes every time you speak to a male colleague or friend, know that he has a problem with it and that it could be a reason he resents you.
4. Dirty fighting
Fighting fair and in a respectful manner is a sign of a healthy relationship. If you’re hurling abuses, taunting, engaging in personal attacks, blame-shifting, or name-calling him, it might lay the ground for too much resentment from the husband in the marriage. Both partners need to solve the problem respectfully and in a calm manner, not accuse or sentence each other.
5. He feels you don’t do as much work as him
This is again one of the most common signs your husband resents you. In a relationship or marriage, when one partner feels like they are contributing more than the other or putting in more effort into the marriage than their spouse, it is bound to create resentment. Whether it’s the house, children, family, or financial matters, if your husband feels he is the one doing the major work or you’re not contributing as much as him, you might have to deal with contempt and resentment in your marriage.
6. You nag, criticize, or treat him like a child
If you talk negatively, try to change him, find fault in everything he does, treat him like a child, and make him feel incapable, he might just begin to develop resentment toward you. You are his partner, not his parent. Putting yourself in the role of a parent and considering your husband a child can make him feel inadequate and ‘less-than’. He might feel like you’re trying to control the relationship or ‘manage’ him.
7. You have a life beyond your husband that he might be jealous of
Another reason you might be facing too much resentment from your husband could be your thriving social life. Friends, family, a great job, successful career, colleagues to hang out with, interesting hobbies, focus on self – you might have all of these but your husband does not, which might make him feel jealous of you. Having a social life beyond marriage is important. There could be several reasons that your husband doesn’t have one – financial stress, extra responsibility, lack of friends, etc. – which might make him resentful of you.
8. You earn more than your husband
One of the most common reasons husbands resent their wives is when the women are the main breadwinners or earn more than them. A 2019 study by the University of Bath claimed that husbands who are financially dependent on their wives or have spouses earning more than them are “increasingly uncomfortable” and stressed about their situation. It stated that “male psychological distress reaches a minimum at a point where wives make 40% of total household income and proceeds to increase, to reach the highest level when men are entirely economically dependent on their wives.” Social conditioning and patriarchal gender norms across the world put all the responsibility of being the sole breadwinner of the family on men. When a wife earns more than the husband, he feels like his masculinity is being threatened and that he isn’t good enough, which eventually impacts his attitude toward his spouse, making him grow resentful of them.
9. You make important decisions without consulting him
If you make decisions regarding the house, expenses, travel, work, career, kids, or any other important subject without consulting your husband, it can spell doom for your marriage. Whether it’s buying a refrigerator, inviting friends over, spending time with each other, deciding which school is best for the kids, or booking a vacation, your husband deserves a say. If you do everything by yourself, he will begin to resent you and eventually both of you will drift apart in your relationship. Besides these, there could be other causes as well like work pressure, familial responsibilities, strained relationships with friends or colleagues, mental health issues, career or financial setbacks, etc. that might make him resent you or drift apart from you. Now that you know the possible reasons behind his resentful attitude, let’s see if you can spot the the signs your husband resents you and what you can do to heal resentment in your marriage.
What Are The Signs Your Husband Resents You?
If your husband hates you, he will let you know through his actions. You will be able to spot the signs, if you know what to look for. To help you better understand your partner’s behavior, we’ve made a list of 10 subtle signs your husband resents you:
1. He avoids spending time with you
One of the signs your husband resents you is that he avoids spending time with you. He likes to spend time away from home. If he doesn’t show interest in going out on dates or having meaningful or fun or deep conversations with you, it’s an indication that he doesn’t want to spend time with you. He doesn’t enjoy your company, or doesn’t relax in it. Something is amiss in your relationship.
2. He makes insulting remarks against you in the garb of having some fun
Mutual respect is one of the crucial foundations of a marriage. Constant disrespect and insulting comments in private, public, or behind your back are sure-shot signs that your husband hates you. Sarcastic remarks or taunts made in private or among family and friends which are passed off as jokes or “I’m just kidding” statements are also a form of insult and resentment. If he is physically or emotionally abusive, know that it’s a sign of an unhealthy marriage and that you need to rethink your decision of staying with him. In fact, you should immediately walk out of the marriage. Disrespect and abuse indicate that your husband either has issues with himself or is uncomfortable around you.
3. One of the signs your husband resents you – He withdraws from intimacy
Another subtle sign that you are dealing with too much resentment from husband in the marriage is if he shows no interest in getting intimate or having sex with you. If he avoids all forms of intimacy – holding hands, cuddling, kissing, sex, etc. – then his feelings for you have probably changed. It is normal to go through phases of not feeling attracted to your spouse physically, but if it has been a consistent pattern, then it’s one of the major signs your husband resents you. He’s not showing love and affection. He has turned indifferent. He doesn’t try to make you smile, doesn’t appreciate you, doesn’t crave your attention, and doesn’t show gestures of love. These are the signs there’s too much resentment from your husband in the marriage.
4. He hardly puts effort into the marriage
This is one of the major signs your husband resents you. Marriage is an equal partnership. If you notice that you’re the one putting in all the effort into your marriage while he hardly contributes, know that he might have developed a resentful attitude toward you. If your husband has become distant or no longer enjoys doing things with and for you, it’s a sign that he is not putting in the effort to make the relationship work.
5. He forgets important dates and events
It is normal to forget birthdays, anniversaries, or other important dates sometimes. But if it’s a consistent pattern, then it shows that your husband probably takes you for granted and doesn’t care. If he was the kind of person who always remembered important occasions and enjoyed celebrating them with you, but doesn’t do so now, then you’re not wrong to think that he resents you. If he doesn’t seem to care or show remorse or is indifferent even after you remind him about your birthday or anniversary, then it shows that he doesn’t care about your feelings anymore.
6. He displays passive-aggressive behavior
If he intentionally engages in behaviors that you despise or hate, know that it’s a sign that your husband hates you. Does he leave the room dirty knowing that it’s your pet peeve? Or does he leave dirty dishes in the sink despite knowing how much it irks you? Has he made it a pattern or habit of forgetting date nights? If the answer to all these questions is a resounding ‘yes’, then know that he is engaging in passive-aggressive behavior possibly because he resents you.
7. He constantly brings up past issues
Another sure-shot sign of contempt and resentment in marriage is that your husband always brings up past issues casually or while arguing with you. He probably finds it difficult to let go of issues and often brings them up during casual conversation to taunt you, make you feel terrible, or justify his actions. Don’t get us wrong. Disagreements and arguments are normal and, in fact, healthy in a relationship. You can’t expect your husband and yourself to be on the same page or agree on everything. But if you fight all the time, and if he brings up past issues a lot or has a hard time letting go, then it’s a sign that there is contempt and resentment in marriage and that both of you need to talk it out.
8. He doesn’t feel happy for you
This is one of the major signs your husband resents you. When you’re in love or married to each other, your spouse’s happiness matters to you. You feel happy about their little and big achievements. Seeing them happy makes you feel the same. But if you notice your husband acting indifferent or feeling jealous of your joys and achievements, it’s a sign he resents you. Whether it’s a promotion at work or a personal achievement, if your husband seems the least interested in celebrating your joys, know that he resents you.
9. Signs your husband resents you – He’s not very involved in your life
If your husband resents you, he will not be as involved in your life as he used to be. He will not show any interest, care, or concern about what you do with your time, how your day was, where you went, or who you met. He might not want to accompany you for social gatherings or office parties either. Basically, he will not want to involve himself with anything that concerns you. He would prefer staying out of it and doing his own thing. If you notice such behavior in your husband, it’s an indication he resents you.
10. He does not miss you when you’re gone
This is again one of the major signs your husband resents you. When he is not affected by or is indifferent to your absence in the house, then there is something wrong with the marriage. You’ve been gone for a few days and are now looking forward to seeing your husband after a vacation with friends or a work trip, but your arrival makes no difference to him. He shows no excitement, relief, or happiness seeing you at the door. He either does not react or shows irritation when you enter the house. These are some of the signs to help you gauge your husband’s changed behavior toward you. He might be angry, annoyed, or disappointed with you, which could explain the change in attitude. If you know what signs to look for, you will be able to take appropriate steps to resolve the conflict and save your marriage.
What To Do When Your Husband Hates You?
Just because your husband hates you or has developed a resentful attitude toward you does not mean that he wants out or that the marriage is over. It is possible to heal resentment in marriage, it’s possible for him to fall in love with you again. If you can relate to the above signs your husband resents you and are worried sick that your marriage is on the rocks, then take a deep breath and read on to know what you can do. Here are a few tips:
1. Communicate with empathy and openness
We cannot stress enough on the importance of communication in a relationship. There’s no conflict that an honest, heart-to-heart conversation with your partner cannot solve. Talk to your husband about how you feel about his behavior. Ask him what the problem is or if there’s anything that you are doing that has hurt him. Listen to what he has to say patiently. Be supportive. Make sure that you don’t play the blame game or make accusatory statements. Use statements that begin with ‘I’ because the idea is to convey how his behavior makes you feel. Keep your ego aside and listen with an open mind. If your husband feels that you genuinely want to know and make amends, he might just tell you what is making him resent you. Try to understand his point of view and arrive at an amicable solution.
2. Seek professional help
If you feel the situation has gone out of hand, then don’t hesitate to reach out to a professional for help. Talk to your husband and seek couples therapy. A professional will be able to help you get to the root cause of the problem and figure out what is amiss in your marriage. As the third person, they will be able to look at the problem from an unbiased lens and show you a different perspective. If you are looking for help, you can always reach out to Bonobology’s panel of licensed and experienced therapists for guidance.
3. Do stuff together to rebuild your bond
Once you’ve understood where the problem lies or why your husband hates you, plan how you want to go about making amends and improve your equation. Resolve past issues, make positive changes in your behavior, don’t dig up the past, and keep communication lines open. Spend quality time with each other. Have meaningful conversations that help you rediscover your emotional connection with each other. Put in the effort to impress each other, appreciate each other, and engage in hobbies or activities that you did together earlier in the marriage. Take steps to spice up your sex life. Go on a date, cook a meal at home, engage in physical intimacy, and shower each other with love and affection. Try to let bygones be bygones. Learn to fall in love and find a way back to each other again.
4. Leave if your husband is abusive
No one should have to tolerate abuse of any kind for the sake of a marriage. If your husband is physically, mentally, financially, or emotionally abusive, then walk out of the marriage immediately. Reach out for help if you think you are in danger. Seek a divorce and get out of the marriage for your own sanity. There is no point in making a relationship with an abusive husband work. It is not worth it. Just because your husband resents you does not mean it is the end of the road. There is light at the end of the tunnel. We are not guaranteeing a change for good, but if you still have faith in him and your marriage, you should give it a second chance. It is possible to turn things around and make your husband fall in love with you again with the help of the above mentioned steps. But if you see no change, then don’t hesitate to put your happiness first and walk out of an unhappy and toxic marriage.
