What kills love in a marriage? Certain actions and behavior can be detrimental to a couple. And sometimes, knowingly or unknowingly, we end up doing these and cause hurt or resentment. Psychologist Samindara Sawant who deals with couple counseling and marriage therapy helps us understand the little habits that destroy a marriage.
13 Common Things Husbands Do To Destroy Their Marriage
Nobody says marriage is easy, but no one ever tells you how hard it can get. And the only way you can find out is by experiencing it yourself. Yet marriages that do not make it have one noticeable pattern. According to a study, 69% of divorces were initiated by women, whereas men initiated 31% of them. The same study explains that these numbers are due to the fact that the marriage institution is lagging behind in coming to terms with the shifting gender roles. Women still do the bulk of the household chores, childcare, and the emotional labor in the marriage. Since more and more women are becoming financially independent, they are choosing to opt-out of such marriages. Below is a list of things husbands do that create hurdles in their marriage. For more expert-backed insights, please subscribe to our YouTube channel. Click here.
1. Not being expressive with their partner
In most relationships, conversations dwindle after a while and this lack of communication is one of the things that destroys a marriage. No one says you need to talk about every single moment in your day. But do air out your thoughts and opinions on matters of import. “Too exhausted to go on that dinner date? Say it. Can’t stand your job? Tell her. Does she look ravishing in that dress? Let her know” Suggests Samindara. It cannot possibly be emphasized enough how crucial communication is in a relationship. Keeping quiet and assuming that your partner knows or understands everything is one of the worst things husbands do to destroy their marriage.
2. Not spending quality time with their partner
Spending quality time is so important that quality time is a love language of its own. Spending quality time doesn’t mean you need to cling to your partner like a baby koala 24*7. Instead, whatever little time you do spend together, make sure your partner is your only focus. You could be doing date nights every week but if you are on the phone throughout, then you’re not spending quality time together. Just like communication, spending quality time gets more and more difficult with time. You need to juggle a career, household chores, family obligations, PTA meetings, etc. You barely get time. But the little time you do get, it is important to spend it bonding with your partner and kids. When a man cannot be bothered to do that, it is one of the signs of a bad husband and a bad father.
3. Being selfish kills a marriage
While juggling career, kids, and family, it is natural that you are the last thing on your own mind. This is where a life partner comes into the picture. A partner is supposed to support you when you are at your wits’ end or weary to the bone. And there is nothing more heartbreaking than when you realize you are the last thing on your partner’s mind as well. 32-year-old Clara from Wisconsin was tired by her husband’s unyielding attitude. Be it the vacation venue or the bed sheets or the color of the walls or the food they ate, they were all according to his taste. “My husband wants everything his way and my opinions never mattered,” she shares. “I began to feel inconsequential and I went into depression. Fortunately, my counselor made me talk about it to my husband and now I see him make a serious effort to change his ways.”
4. Trying to fix their spouse
Growing together is a sign of a healthy relationship. And when your partner is supportive of you and helps you grow into a better version of yourself, then there is nothing more you can ask for. However, there is a fine line between pushing your partner to do their best and nitpicking everything about them. Unfortunately, quite often, men forget this line altogether and it becomes one of the hurtful things husbands do to destroy a marriage. No one is perfect. And it is this combination of imperfections and perfections that makes a unique individual. While it is good to encourage your partner to be the best version of themselves, expecting them to adhere to your vision of perfection and constantly pointing out their flaws is a habit that destroys a marriage. The confidence of the affected spouse takes a major hit.
5. Ignoring their partner’s insecurities
All of us have insecurities. Be it looks, financial standing, or self-worth. If your partner opens up to you about their insecurities, and instead of being validated, they are mocked or ignored, then these habits of a husband ruin everything. Validating your partner’s feelings and experience helps build emotional security in the relationship. It will build your partner’s self-worth and make the bond between you two stronger. Ignoring, denying, or downplaying their insecurities kills love in a marriage. Men often do this playfully, just to tease you, yet these are the things husbands do to destroy a marriage.
6. Not involving spouses in financial decisions
Paula, a 25-year-old teacher, says “ There are many instances of financial conflicts in my marriage. My husband wants everything his way. He is not even willing to talk about his finances and it can get quite worrisome. I am not aware of our credit scores or if he has any debts or if I am liable to pay off any of his loans. “Whenever I do try to have this conversation, he is quick to shut me down and tells me I don’t need to bother him with such questions. That makes me feel worse. Such actions of my husband ruin everything.” Samindara says, “Women are financially aware. And nowadays, they are also independent with the capacity to make their own decisions. Belittling them by not involving them in monetary decision-making is one of the top things husbands do to destroy marriage.” Women have always been at the forefront of managing household expenses and saving money in most homes. Thinking they can’t handle finances is not only inaccurate but also sexist.
7. Lowered quality of sex kills a marriage
While sex is not the most important criterion to make a relationship work, studies suggest that couples who have a good sex life have happier and stronger relationships. Intimacy builds a good sex life, and sex further helps build intimacy in a marriage. However, with time, in long-standing relationships frequency of sex decreases and in some cases, it can become a tad monotonous too. But it is very important to keep the spark alive. “A couple should talk to each other about how can they be better lovers and try to spice things up in the bedroom,” suggests Samindara. “You see a lot of couples for whom sex is just one of the things that they need to get over with. They stop caring about the needs and pleasures of their partner. As long as they are satisfied, they don’t give their partner’s satisfaction much thought. This kind of mindset is the thing that destroys a marriage.”
8. Not taking responsibility
Possibly one of the most damaging things husbands do to destroy their marriage is, not to take responsibility. Be it responsible for their actions, for household chores, or for proper parenting. A study conducted in 2019 reported that on an average day in 2018, 20% of men did housework, compared with 49% of women. This kind of indifferent and callous behavior kills a marriage. There has been a major shift in gender roles in our society and a man needs to keep up with them. “My husband blames me for his bad behavior,” says Julia, a 36-year-old accountant from Edmonton. “My husband has anger issues but refuses to get help. He just says I am the reason behind him losing control.” Julia admits his behavior has her walking on eggshells constantly. Men, not taking responsibility for your issues kills a marriage, so you might want to own up to your actions, or lack of them.
9. The roving eyes of husbands severely affect their marriage
The definition of loyalty in a relationship varies from person to person. For some people, sexual infidelity is cheating and for some, even talking to someone from your preferred gender is cheating. But no matter what your definition of cheating is, seeing your husband eyeing someone else can be hurtful. You feel unappreciated and insecure. Witnessing such acts by your husband ruins everything in the relationship. Men are visual creatures in general and it is not surprising that a pretty woman will catch their eyes. Even women admire handsome men. However, staring at someone to the point you are turning your head to keep looking at them, that too in front of your spouse, is heartbreaking for the partner. This behavior may be subconscious and you might not know you are doing it, but it is these habits that destroy a marriage.
10. Unhealthy conflict resolutions
Where there are two people involved, once in a while there will be a difference of opinion that will result in conflict. It is normal. It is also healthy as it gives you a better understanding of who the other person is. Seen in the correct light, it gives you an opportunity to grow as a person. However, unhealthy conflict resolution patterns have the opposite effect. Samindara says, “Sometimes, conflicts turn into a power struggle, where neither of the partners is willing to back down. There are conflicts where a partner gaslights another. And there are those where after the conflict, you might surmise, “My husband blames me for his bad behavior every time”. Such conflicts never really get resolved. You are left without closure and the resentment keeps piling up.”
11. Poor management of family and friends
It is said that marriages occur between two families and to some extent, that is true. They are the first people we go to when we face problems in our life. However, involving the family in everything, including the smallest of tiffs or concerns, can cause a rift between the couple. “Also, the family structure has changed a lot and now women demand that their parents be shown the same love, respect, and care that she is expected to show her in-laws,” explains Samindara. “She wants her husband to be as involved in taking care of her side of the family. Unfortunately, men are still coming to terms with this and this is becoming a prevalent example of things that destroy a marriage.”
12. The green monster of jealousy
One thing that a lot of husbands do that kills love in a marriage is being jealous all the time. Don’t be mistaken, no one is asking you to be indifferent to your wife. It does feel good when your man is a little protective about you and gets a bit jealous once in a while. It makes you feel wanted to some extent. However, when this possessiveness goes overboard, it can get very messy. Mabel, a 31-year-old photographer, knew her husband was possessive about her and didn’t like her hanging out with men – something she had to do a lot considering her line of work. She had hoped that with time, he would stop being insecure. But when he started to attend her shoots and created ruckus on her sets, she knew she would have to take extreme measures. Mabel says, “Jealousy is a look that suits no one.” Sadly, these are the things husbands do to destroy their marriage.
13. Becoming complacent in their relationship kills a marriage
There is nothing that spells doom for a relationship more than a man who has become complacent in his relationship with his family. He doesn’t spend time with you and barely asks after you or the kids. When you do proceed to tell him about your day or what happened with the kids at school, he gets cranky or indifferent. This is a sign of a bad husband and father. It is true, the only people you take for granted are the ones who are close to you. And when you are comfortable in your familial setting, it is normal for someone to become a little complacent. But the key to a successful relationship is maintaining a balance. If you’re a man and are not willing to get out of your comfort zone for your loved ones, remember that such husbands ruin everything. So there you have it, a list of things husbands do to destroy their marriage. If you are married to such a guy, then it is time to have a heart-to-heart. However, If you ‘are’ that guy, then it is time to step up and get to work before the damage is beyond repair.
