Can You Say No To Sex In A Marriage?
Irrespective of your relationship status, you can say NO and your spouse must learn to appreciate your right to do so. However, the issues of intimacy are often fragile and must be handled with delicacy. The story of this married couple who grew distant because of lack of sexual compatibility tells us exactly why: Sam and Percy (names changed) dated for a few months before getting married but were not sexually intimate during this time. After marriage, Percy realised that even though she enjoyed sex with Sam, she did not want it as frequently as he did. Initially, she’d play along even when she was not in the mood because she did not know how to say no to sex without hurting him. But that was going in the direction of mercy sex and she didn’t want that either. Over time, this caused bitterness in their marriage. She found herself constantly irritated with Sam and snapped at him over the smallest things. She also began withholding sex just to get back at him. The rift between them grew to such an extent that they had to seek counselling to save their marriage.
How To Say No To Sex Without Hurting Him?
1. Be gentle and polite
Instead of losing your mind of whether or not you should tell your partner that you aren’t feeling up for it, think about how do you politely say no to sex. Because not sharing this with him will only lead to resentment in the relationship. Taking a gentle approach is your best bet here. Even after you say no once, your partner is likely to try to coax and cajole you into saying yes. When that happens, don’t snap at him or use labels like ‘nymphomaniac’ or ‘sex-hungry’. Instead, try something like, ‘ I really don’t feel up for it. Why don’t we just cuddle and sleep tonight?’ This is a great way to show him that you want to be close to him but just don’t want anything at the moment.
2. Share your reasons for saying no
One of the most effective tips for saying no to sex is to tell your partner why you’re turning him down. You must have your reasons for it. Any rational man would empathise if you talk to him about those reasons. It could be anything from exhaustion to feeling bloated or your libido taking a hit because of stress. By explaining your stance, you mitigate the risk of making your partner cold and distant because you said no to his overtures. This way you won’t get to say: My husband gets mad when I say no. He might settle for the cuddles happily.
3. Take a rain check
So, your partner seems to really want some action but you just can’t bring yourself to do it. One smart way to turn it down without offending your husband or boyfriend is to take a rain check. Tell him that you cannot today but you’ll make it up to him soon, and when you do, he’ll be in for a surprise. This way you can turn what could be a potentially volatile moment into one that builds up anticipation and excitement.
4. Explore alternatives
If the reason for saying no is more physical than psychological, you can discuss alternative for sexual gratification. Let’s say, you cannot have sex because you’re on your period or have a condition that makes intercourse painful, you can talk about trying oral or hand stimulation until you feel ready again. This way your husband won’t get upset if you say no to sex and you ensure you have a level of intimacy together.
5. Get your body language in tune with your intent
How do you say no to your partner? You could use your body language or certain subtle hints to get the message across if saying it directly seems too awkward. For instance, if you normally wear lingerie to bed, stick to your PJs on the night you just aren’t feeling up for it. If he asks you why you’re dressed differently, you have the perfect opportunity to tell that it’s because you just want to hit the sack and sleep tonight. You have to set emotional boundaries in a relationship. This approach can come in handy when the relationship is new and you haven’t quite achieved that comfort level where to speak your mind without thinking twice.
You Can Say No to Sex Without Hurting Him
Saying no to sex doesn’t have to lead to strain in the relationship. At the same time, you don’t have to force yourself into intimacy when you’re not ready. “My husband pouts when I say no” or “My boyfriend gets mad when I am not in the mood,” are common things women say. The key to how to say no to sex without hurting him is letting him know that your saying ‘no’ has nothing to do with how you feel about your partner or the relationship. Try to make up for it by using non-sexual gestures of intimacy to feel close to one another. You can try snuggling up to him, inviting him to cuddle or just spooning as you fall asleep.
